(Do people care about my sports teams? No, no they don’t. But, this is the benefit of maintaining a blog in which only 3 people regularly read. You can write about things that nobody cares about because nobody is reading! It’s quite the fiefdom I have for myself here).

My dad (Aside: man, he has gotten like 1500x smarter since I was 13—he might know half as much now as I did when I was 13) and I were trading text messages yesterday when he mentioned, basically, how shitty my sports teams were at the current time.

I hadn’t really brewed on the matter, which is odd, because I consume sports media every day of my life. But yes, my teams are in disarray right now.

The Los Angeles Lakers - The Lakers are probably the worst team to cheer for in sports fandom. If the season doesn’t end in a title, it was a failure. And even when you do win, hey, it’s the Lakers, we win every year.

This year, I honestly figured we were going to 3-peat, Kobe was going to tie Jordan, and then Phil was going to ride off in the distance on a white horse surrounded by marijuana smoke, allowing Kobe the chance to do something MJ never could: win one without the Zen Master.

Up until the 4th quarter of Game 4 in the second round, I thought the Lakers were going to win it all. I seriously did. Unfortunately, Jason Terry shot 98.2% from 3-point land in Game 4 and my team got buried by a 5’6” guy from Puerto Rico.

Now, the future looks quite grim. Phil Jackson’s people have always maintained that Phil was the glue who held the franchise together. After he left, they said, the Lakers’ downfall would be quick.

Enter Jim Buss. Enter “Jim Buss” into Google and the first thing you get is Jerry Buss’ Wikipedia page. This should tell you all you need to know about Jim Buss.

I’m sure Jim Buss is a nice guy. He wears a mullet because apparently he’s bald or going bald and he’s “never known what to do with it.” The answer is simple, Jim (from a guy losing more hair while I type this than I’d like to admit): just shave it. Who gives a shit? I mean, you’re rich. And if you’re that insecure about it, just go the “hair restoration” route. I can’t trust a grown man who is always in a hat.

Another problem with Jim Buss: He’s not Jerry Buss. The patriarch of the Buss family gets what it means to own a team in LA: lean back, put some cash back into the team, play poker, boss hogg, and pretend to act like your soul is content with the fact you’re sleeping with women 1/3rd your own age. It’s really not that hard.

Jim Buss, though, apparently fancies him a basketball man. Phil Jackson never respected him, and I’m sure Jim resented it. I get the drift that, deep down, Jim wants to prove everybody wrong. He wants to construct his own team, so when they’re covered in champagne on some July night, he can grab the mic and scream something like “HOW DO MY BALLS TASTE, AMERICA?” and then read off a list of everybody who wronged him over the years.

Mitch Kupchak is a proven talent evaluator. He deconstructed the Shaq-Kobe era Lakers, took some lumps, and from the ashes, he rose a phoenix. He should be making all basketball decisions for the Lakers.

Sadly, I’m not sure if Jim’s ego will allow this.

Couple this with the fact that Pau Gasol went on vacation 2 months early this year, Ron Artest (who is still owed like 16 million dollars for 3!!!!! more years) wants to change his name to “Metta World Peace” and says he’ll play in the Finnish league if there is a lockout, and Lamar Odom is 31 and seems content with smoking weed, polishing his rings, and collecting royalty checks off his reality TV show… I’m scared that the Lakers could be in for a rough couple years.

The Los Angeles Dodgers - Man, I love the Dodgers. One of my first memories as a kid is getting lost in Dodger stadium. (Not sure what surprises me more: that my dad’s heart held up during that hour or so I was lost or the fact that my mom didn’t bury him in our backyard when we returned).

I can only imagine what it was like to watch Kirk Gibson’s homerun  or Fernando throw fire. I say this because I can’t remember the Dodgers ever being competitive in my lifetime.

Oh, they’ve made the playoffs. Manny Ramirez, apparently on one of the greatest steroid binges in the history of MLB, almost single-handily carried us to the World Series in 2008. (We would’ve been promptly destroyed by whatever AL team wn it that year).

In 2007, I started posting on one of the most legendary websites ever: www.dodgerblues.com. We were a morbid group. Always predicting the worse. Always bashing the likes of Jeff Kent and Wilson Betemit. It was really the only way to keep sane while following the Dodgers. Only fools who hadn’t watched the Dodgers since 1988 would expect anything but failure.

Sadly, like the Dodgers themselves, the genius writer behind DodgerBlues.com got turned off by the most evil person in America: Frank McCourt.

I try not to hate people. In sports, I allow it, because it’s not really hate. I hate the player, not the actual person. Frank McCourt, though, is starting to blur those lines. I might actually punch Frank McCourt in the face if I ever saw him in the streets, because he’s a fuck-head.

Frank McCourt is your typical sleezy ass Boston real-estate magnate. He bought the Dodgers (from shitty Fox) because they were mired in financial problems even then. The thing is, Frank McCourt never actually paid any real money to buy the Dodgers, doing it through leverage (whatever that is).

(And I’m convinced—you get rich to a certain point in America where money just doesn’t exist. You don’t actually have money, just strings of numbers in various bank accounts all over the world).

Frank McCourt has gutted the Dodgers. He’s absolutely run them into the ground. We have three good players: Matt Kemp, Andre Ethier, and Clayton Kershaw. I’ve followed Clayton’s career since he was drafted. (“OH, A HARD THROWING LEFT HANDED HIGH SCHOOLER FROM TEXAS???? AWESOME.)

Then you have Vin Scully. POOR FUCKING VIN SCULLY. He actually came back to watch this team and call their games. He should be on a beach somewhere in Arabia getting blown by a trove of party girls. Instead, he’s watching people like Juan fucking Uribe and Tony Gwynn strike out 6 times a night. This is all on Frank McCourt.

I don’t even watch the Dodgers anymore. It’s like watching your beautiful dog of 15 years hobble around the house with one eye because the other one was taken by eye cancer. (Only, I don’t have many memories this dog. This dog has been shitting on my rug for the last 15 years and I still love it, for some fucking reason). Frank McCourt has done this to me.

Frank McCourt is now hitting up the loan sharks that people who once had a lot of money on paper get to hit up (the banks). Chase Bank is apparently pondering loaning him 150 million at 10 percent interest and a 4.5 million dollar fee.

If Chase bank, WHO I BANK WITH, even dares to loan Frank McCourt a FUCKING PENNY, I will take the $50.26 in my bank account to another bank faster than you can say “Juan Uribe caught looking for the 3rd time tonight.” (That sound you hear? Chase executives quaking in their boots at my threat).

It’s sad that Frank McCourt has such a fucking ego that he thinks this situation is salvageable. Just take your L and disappear, Frank. Because every time your name appears in my Twitter timeline, your memory gets etched that much deeper into my psyche. AND YOU DON’T WANT ANY PART OF THE NETHER REGIONS OF MY PSYCHE, FRANK.

Aston Villa - During the magical 4-12 Browns 2008 campaign, my friend Kyle and I were at a Thursday night game vs. the Broncos. We were at Panini’s bar, drinking Pepsi, when we stumbled upon two dudes wearing soccer scarves. Only they weren’t soccer scarves, they were Cleveland Browns soccer scarves.

“That’s the coolest fucking thing I ever saw in my life, bro. Where did you get it?” I inquired.

“This?” He said, admiring his scarf between his hands, “I it over in England, mate. At the Aston Villa store.”

Now, I was starting to get back into soccer, and I needed a team. I was familiar with Aston Villa. “Why the hell is Villa selling Browns scarves?”

“Randy Lerner owns both teams” he said. “See?” He flipped the scarf over, revealing an Aston Villa side.

“That’s amazing,” Kyle said.

We talked with those dudes for 20 minutes. They were visiting New York city and decided to come to Cleveland to check out an NFL game. They said if we ever made it over to Birmingham, which apparently was Britain’s version of Cleveland, all we’d have to do was say we were Browns fans and we wouldn’t need to buy a drink.

“Plus they’ll teach you all the songs,” they said.

My Aston Villa fanship was sealed that night. I only now realize how stupid I was.

I could’ve been lame and chosen a perennial winner or a team with a shit ton of money behind it. Man United, Manchester City, Chelsea, etc. etc. etc. No, I rolled with Aston Villa. My fanship has been a debacle ever since.

…….

My first year supporting the team, I was excited about a 7th place finish. Then our best player, Garreth Bale (who I have since realized is a crab and widely, widely overrated) was sold to Manchester City. (That’s how it works in soccer—if a player wants to go, then the poorer clubs are dumb not to cash in on their best players).

The next season, we barely missed out on the Champion’s League, as for the second year in a row, Villa collapsed down the stretch. This lead to our best and most industrious player (and one of my favorite Villa players) James Milner, being sold to Manchester City.

This year, our manager, Martin O’Neil, quit just days before the season. Then, we got our asses kicked in the first round of the Europa League by a middling team from the BELGIUM LEAGUES.

We then went and selected 98 year old Gerard Houllier as manager. Houllier is definitely talented, but seriously, Villa needed to rebuild from the ground up. Houllier was never that guy.

He came in and tried to change tactics. With O’Neil, Aston Villa played pretty straight forward like your typical English team. Houllier tried to drastically change that. He wanted a more European continent style team with more possession and “flare”. The results were pretty predictable.

We kept tumbling down the tables and by December, Villa fans began to ask themselves, “Holy hell, are we seriously about to get relegated?” (Another awesome thing about soccer: the bottom 3 teams in the top league get sent to the 2nd division every year and the top 3 in the 2nd division come up. Europeans don’t understand the concept of a draft—why reward poorly run teams with talent?) Aston Villa had never been relegated in the Premier League era.

Randy Lerner, to his credit, saw the team needed a shot in the arm. He and Houllier went out and plucked Jean Makoun—who, when he’s at his best, can be the ticking heartbeat of his squad with distribution from the defensive midfield. Then, Villa shocked the soccer world by dropping 19 million pounds on Sunderland’s Darren Bent.

I’d always loved Darren Bent. People say “Well, he’s a one trick pony.” No shit? Well what’s his trick? Oh, that’s right—GOALS. He scores goals in masses. People said Villa overpaid for him, then Chelsea signed a washed up Fernando Torres for 50 million and he only scored 1 goal for them, effectively ending that nonsense.

Once we got Bent, I knew we wouldn’t get relegated. Villa ended up shoring some things up and stayed off relegation.

Unfortunately, our 87 year old manager had heart problems and missed the last few weeks of the season. Then, after it was pretty obvious Houllier didn’t have the stamina to see the project through, Villa and him agreed to part ways.

 So, what did Villa do, besides selling our best player (by a large, large margin), Ashley Young, to Manchester United? They appointed Alex McLeish, the manager who oversaw blood rivals Birmingham’s City campaign this year (which ended in a glorious, glorious relegation on the last day of the season).

This would be like Ohio State appointing Rich Rodriguez after Tressel got fired. Only Rich Rodriguez’s team had been so bad it got demoted to D-1AA.

You read player interviews in the press and a lot of them want to go. Why wouldn’t they? There’s a apparently no leadership at Villa. There’s apparently no organizational structure. Lerner comes and goes. (Villa fans thinks he cares about the Browns more, while Browns fans claim the converse).

Our best defender this year was a 21 year old loanee from Tottenham. Our goalkeeper, 40 year old stalwart (and Ohioan) Brad Friedel left the club. We have young players who may not be ready.

Aston Villa won the European Championship in 1982 with one of the all-time great upsets beating Bayern Munich 0-1. It’s why I chose Aston Villa. I didn’t want to cheer for a team that always won, because winning can get old and it gets devalued.

I remember wanting a team that struggled. I wanted to suffer for a few years, so if Aston Villa ever does climb the European mountain sometime in my life, it will mean more to me than a supporter of Barcelona, which may win every European Championship for the rest of my life.

Whenever I meet Villa fans on the internet, they’re always baffled that I chose Aston Villa randomly. They just can’t wrap their hands around it. “Honestly, why would you choose Villa? I don’t understand.” That was from a guy with “AVFC” in his twitter handle.

The frustrating thing is I balled on FIFA 12 with Aston Villa. 2-4-4. Put Darren Bent up top with the speedster Gabby Agbonlahor (why play him out wide? HE ISN’T A WINGER). Put Ashley Young behind them in the CAF role (a role that Alex Ferguson, best manager in football, signed him to play). On the flanks you put Stewart Downing (boss) and Marc Albrighton (future star). In the CDM role, you put Stiliyan Petrov or Jean Makoun. The back line, Carlos Cuellar/James Collins, Walker on the RB, and whatever corpse you can scrounge to play LB. (Luke Young or Lichaj, perhaps?)

What back line can compete with the speed of Young, Bent, Agbonlahor, Downing, and Albrighton? I’ll give you a hint: none.

Instead, they play scared and lean back, content with only going forward on the counter. Obviously, English soccer is a little different than FIFA 12, but I think Villa has a lot of creativity on the flanks (which is why folks like Manchester United and Liverpool are coming for our players) and they get squandered.

And, oh yea, we just signed a manager who plays longballing, grave-digging soccer that and oversaw his club get relegated last year.

AWESOME.

Ohio State - Ohio State’s troubles haven’t bothered me as much because the NCAA is a fucking joke. I’m so tired of people acting like a 20 year old STAR ATHLETE playing FREE GOLF and getting discount on tattoos is some criminal act.

It’s also hilarious because those rules are in place to maintain “amateurism”, something which has never or will never be possible, so the NCAA can keep its tax free status so a lot of rich white people in suits (who don’t do shit) can rake in millions.

Meanwhile, Terrelle Pryor, who was instrumental in winning two BCS games (how much money did OSU/NCAA make off memorabilia/DVDs) but none of the players see a dime. It’s also hilarious because if they tore an ACL during that game, it could effectively end their careers.

Schools in America built their brands on the backs of basically slave labor. How much money was paid out to young kids, in their physical primes, doing absolute back breaking work which eventually kills you? (“OH BUT THEY GET FREE EDUCATION.” Well, if they were paid what they owed, they could pay for their education outright—without a problem).

Jim Tressel took an L doing something 99% of big time college coaches probably do. They don’t see these players, who, three years ago they went into their decrepit neighborhoods, suddenly driving brand new Escalades and Chargers? They don’t ask because then they’d have to report something.

It’s a farce of the system, but damnit, will I be watching young Luke Fickell take the Buckeyes into Nebraska next October? You’re god damn right I will.

Part of me actually kind hopes OSU takes a few lumps in the coming years. I’m so sick of all the bandwagon, idiot fans. 20% of Ohio State fans are pure fucking class. Then you have the 80% of the fanbase, 40% of them never went to the University, getting on Twitter and cussing people like Kirk Herbstreit out over a fucking opinion he has.

The crazy thing is, I may be covering OSU football next year. Sitting in the press box, maybe some press conferences, on some bo$$ level shit. So, my fandom will be back (as will hurt from the annual OSU loss).

At the end of the day, I have Ohio (the state) tatted on me, I’ll be getting a degree from there next year, so I’m kind of locked in.

Columbus Blue Jackets - I don’t follow the NHL, but I’m waiting for the day for the CBJ to go on a Cup run so I can hop on that bandwagon with full force. Unfortunately, they don’t even own their own arena, have a bunch of debt, and will probably be moved to Canada within 5 years.

AWESOME.